On the morning of my 39th birthday, I was grateful for two things: my hair and my boobs.
There were other things too, of course – the way Sam buried his little face in my hair at 5:30 in the morning. The way he and Drew planned how to surprise me with breakfast and cake and presents.
But my hair and boobs were on my mind the most because in the week leading up to my birthday, one friend had to shave her head and another friend found out she might be losing her breasts.
I sort of hate to feel gratitude like this—it seems like such a selfish feeling. Like by being grateful I am saying that I am grateful that YOU have this horrible disease and not me. I am grateful that I have my hair, but too bad about yours. That’s clearly not what I want to feel. So rather than grateful, I feel cautious, suspicious: maybe this thing didn’t get me—yet—but the next thing will. If it’s not cancer or divorce or a sick child, it will be something else. There’s always something else.
I am 39. I still don’t get a lot of things about life. Eyeliner. Why boys don’t call when they say they would. I am pretty crappy at marriage and I am winging this parenting thing every day. I am baffled by love and most cake recipes. I am at a crossroads in my career. I had hoped for more certainty by now, more wisdom, more knowledge of how the universe works.
Instead I am finding that the only thing I am certain of is the randomness of it all. Of the many, many ways life can be lived and the many, many ways life can turn and change in a second, without much consideration for what I have planned. A chance doctor’s appointment, a weird lump, a driver with a bad morning, an airline pilot with the wrong anti-depressant, a loose screw in the machine—none of it is up to me.
All of this is unsettling, especially when the bad stuff is happening to people I know. But the bad stuff makes me even more aware of how we are in this together, how over time we all grow our own tribes—some distant, some not. I never dreamed of having a tribe so far-flung and random as the one I have now. The happiness, the everyday silliness, the heartache, the pain, the diseases—it is all so close to me as I scroll through names of friends and acquaintances. Years and years ago, without all of this fancy technology, none of their pain would have been mine—and none of their joy, either. I would not have known about shaved heads or lumpy breasts or broken marriages, or sick babies. But now I do, and I can’t un-know any of it. The news pulls me in and I feel helpless in its face.
I am 39. And I still feel ill-equipped to react like a grown-up. I still don’t know the right words, I feel awkward and tongue-tied when my distant tribe needs comfort. I want to be there – but instead all I do is read their bad news and sit with it, taste its gritty, bitter chunks, feel its sadness, its stupidity, its unfair, luck-of-the-draw freakishness. I hate it. I don’t feel grateful that this time it’s not me—I feel pissed that it’s someone at all. I still foolishly believe that these things can’t happen to me, when I KNOW that they can. My heart aches for my friends and the rest of me feels numb and paralyzed with fear for them and fear of what and when comes next.
As I was appreciating my hair and my boobs that morning, I was also thinking about how little we can ask from the universe. Pretty much just this—to be kept whole. Healthy. Close to sweet baby skin. And that’s about it. Wishes about careers or money seem like a luxury. So what?
So here we are. I am 39. I have learned nothing. I have boobs. And hair. And not much else is certain.
Zsofi Writes 
I am 56 and feel the same way. Perfect description of life and its uncertainties and randomness and our cluelessness about everything.
Gratitude is the best attitude in this walk of life! If it’s boobs and hair you feel grateful for, that’s great…..it sure beats complaining about what’s not right!
Reblogged this on Nervous Knots.
Too funny! I have been 39 a couple of times!
I have to say. You really have to embrace the randomness to truly be able to survive and thrive in life. If my nursing career has taught me anything it is how true your words are. Of course I can live without the boobs though….. Just leave me the hair!!! (Does that make you high maintenance and me laid back? 😏)
I thought it was just me… Glad to know I am not alone in this crazy, random life adventure ☺️
Reblogged this on datsozguevara.
So very true; well spoken!
Loved the sentiment of this post. At 37, I often feel lost amidst all of “it”… but grounded in my wee ones. Thank you for beautiful words explaining an unsavoury feeling
Reblogged this on allymorgan101.
Random at least keeps things interesting, for better or worse, anyway. I like reading this, made me think.
Way to go on being Freshly Pressed! (Saw this on your FB wall. You still promote better than WP — at least where I’m concerned!)
I’m a year behind you and I’ve found that when I stop fretting about my birthday (and set the bar real low), it’s easier to appreciate things. This year was the best birthday I’ve had in awhile. And not because we did anything special. It was because it was completely mundane. And that was fine by me.
On another note, we need to talk. I need to sell you on the virtues of eyeliner!
This is such a beautiful reminder, Zsofi, of what’s truly important. Yes to this wish: “to be kept whole.” In life there are no guarantees. At any moment the rug may be swept out from under our feet, so to be grateful for the small things, is to live with grace. Thank you for this beauty and wisdom, and congratulations on being freshly pressed 🙂
“the only thing I am certain of is the randomness of it all.” yes.
Reblogged this on dgbanerjee.
Reblogged this on Medina & Me.
Given*
Reblogged this on temisanereyitomi.
Our greatest strength is in the fear of being weak. Appreciating the fact that you are healthy while someone is not is what will make us endeavor to be healthy.
That is the thing that frightens me the most… “what if that happens to me or my family?” things. I do not let it bog me down or drag me into a pit of worry, but there are times that it is a very vivid, and raw feeling. I know it could happen. I also know I cannot stop it. (That certainly doesn’t help).
I have 5 months left to enjoy my 39th year of life. There are things in my life I would have never imagined 20 years ago that would be a part of my life at this age. One of those things is *NOT* being a “grown up”! Lol I just KNEW that I would be a wise, mature, real woman by the time I was 40! I am none of those things on most days. I guess I should be happy that I’m still “young at heart”, and in many ways, I am. But I thought for sure by now I’d at least be an adult (or whatever that word meant to me when I was a kid)!
Reblogged this on letsbnosey and commented:
Well this was an interesting read this morning.
It reflects the uncertainty in life and the constant mystery of the unknown of what tomorrow may bring.
But most importantly I love the honesty, the fact that she is he not the master of everything but she is still getting on with her life, one day at a time & of course she still has her hair and her boobs. LOL.
So perfect. They are the greatest assets for any girl 🙂
This is such a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Absolutely love this. Beautifully written. You have more wisdom than you know.
Thank you for beautiful words explaining an unsavoury feeling
Reblogged this on francescaswaggzz and commented:
Oh gosh
😘
I love how you accept everything. It’s always good to be grateful for what you have, even for the smallest things. Your 39, and I think your Fabulous!!
Reblogged this on Rachel's Take and commented:
A Must Read!!!
You have not learnt nothing, you have learnt the randomness of life and the fate that befalls us all, you have learnt what to ask for above all and that is good health. So you have learnt in this time span. I am 35 and am still awed by life. Happy birthday
Reblogged this on xdayschocolate.
Thats something i loved reading..
I spontaneously smiled from the very bottom of my heart 🙂
I am 26 & i hope i reach 39 with your superb inspiring and incredible attitude.
Agree so much with this comment and I’m 25! You are an inspiration. And speaking of inspiration, you said you wanted help from the universe.. There’s a site called tut.com and they send you e-mail messages from the universe, if your interested check it out its free and it gives me motivation every morning 🙂
I absolutely love this post! Thank you for sharing!
http://Thatfreespiritedblog.wordpress.com
I love this! Keep writing girl #inittogether
Beautiful words that describe the helplessness of life. You post reminded me of a dear friend who has a baby with a serious genetic disorder. Sometimes I don’t know what to say but I know the few words of love and support from everyone adds up. Thanks for sharing. 💜
I’m 40 and feel the same. My husband says I’m in the middle of a full-blown mid-life crisis. I say he is an ass, to which he replies that saying this is a classic symptom of a mid-life crisis… I’m 40, and my youngest just called me “the cleaning lady” (the rat).
My Mum lost her hair and her life, my sister lost her boobs, but if that has taught me anything, it’s that life is too precious to sweat the small stuff.
Keep writing. It makes some of us feel less alone.
If I make it to 39 I think I’ll be thankful for getting there
Loved this post, thank you ❤
I am grateful for my hair and boobs too.
I supported by bff through cancer and chemo treatments and I still find that sometimes it's easier to get so hung up on wanting the luxury items; that we take advantage of the real luxuries. Hair and boobs. Subtle reminders bring us back to what true gratitude is.
Great post. I'll be following ❤
Reblogged this on prettyperfectpure.
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I recently learned that letting go and allowing what is opens the door to seeing the beauty in it. Thank you for sharing.
https://jotraveller.wordpress.com/2015/06/05/thank-you/
Boobs for the win
Reblogged this on pinkjewels.
Reblogged this on lyricalflashes and commented:
In life the only thing I am certain of is the randomness of it all.
“What’s truely important is to be kept whole”
So very true.. Loved the way she’s written it!
I’m eighteen and only just starting to get a little grasp on what gratitude does for you. Definitely don’t feel bad for appreciating what you’ve got because it’s how you inject value into your surroundings. Keep it up, and fantastic job writing this piece!
Loved the way you’ve written it!
Reblogged this on racheljanefoy.
Beautiful words its the first blog I’ve ever read in this app
Impressive and very thought-provoking. . . !