I was in Los Angeles last week for six days. I’ve never been on the West Coast before and I was more than ready for some sunshine, warmth on my skin, and blooming trees. The City of Angels did not disappoint. I spent most of my time in a cavernous exhibit hall, away from the heat and the sun, but still… It was heaven. No socks. No coats and hats and scarves. No whipping, cold wind. No gray piles of snow everywhere.
I am always somewhat frightened by how easy it is to imagine another life, away from my real one. Not that I necessarily want to, but the thought is there… Would anyone — other than Sam — notice that I am suddenly not around? Could I slip away to another coast, into another life? I could take the bus to work every day, walk to my office under the palm trees and tall buildings, sit outside on a shady bench at lunch, watching the fabulous people walk by. I don’t know… On these business trips it’s easy to forget that real life would not be all cabs, dinners, and cruising down Sunset Boulevard with old friends. Clearly. But it could be, right? Could it? Is there a life like that out there? Who is living it? Anyone? Leave a comment, please!
I got to spend time with an old friend — or whatever he was back then… Lover? Boyfriend? I am not sure. Anyway, I haven’t seen him in over a decade probably and I was very nervous about spending time with him. Would it be awkward? Weird? Uncomfortable? Meaningless? I didn’t have to worry — it was all perfect and for some reason so comforting. I remembered every reason why I used to love him but at the same time felt OK about not having ended up with him. It all made sense. I felt like I was where I needed to be. It was all right to look back, to remember, to take that trip down memory lane, but there was no need to stay there longer or wish for a different outcome.
I was happy to come home in the end. There are more adventures and big decisions waiting ahead in the near future and I know I have to be clear-headed and focused for all of it. And maybe someday soon spring will get to this part of the world too and I won’t feel so dead and cold inside and out.
That would be nice.