Time, mummified

My phone died this week. Well, it was close to death anyway and I need a reliable phone. My only hesitation in getting a new one was that this old phone had a voice message on it from my grandmother. Who died a year ago in January. She left the message about two, almost three…

Imagine

I was in Los Angeles last week for six days. I’ve never been on the West Coast before and I was more than ready for some sunshine, warmth on my skin, and blooming trees. The City of Angels did not disappoint. I spent most of my time in a cavernous exhibit hall, away from the…

Real Estate

For days after we sold our house, I felt uneasy. It felt like the house was still somehow attached to me like a phantom limb—heavy and itchy and restless—and I had to remind myself constantly that it was none of my concern anymore. I didn’t have to worry about shoveling the snow in the driveway…

In no particular order

The universe has a good sense of humor and a great sense of making everything happen all at once. So in the past two weeks or so, in particular order: 1. Is it weird to be talking about your boobs in front of the world? Or at least the world of the Huffington Post. But…

Moving on

I was happy in this house. Not crazy, delirious happy, but happy. I wasn’t sure about it at first – the creaking floors, the yellow walls, the old doors and glass door handles, the wild backyard – it all seemed very foreign. It was clearly meant and built for someone else. I wasn’t sure how…

Five Pounds of Flesh

This essay first appeared on Full Grown People. The surgeon sat between my legs on a low stool, his left hand gently cradling the curve of my right breast as he drew dotted lines and circles on my skin. I was sitting on a hospital bed, my feet dangling off the side and I wasn’t…

Farewell to Boobies — Part II

I’ve been spending a lot of time in front of the mirror lately. It’s not something  I usually enjoy doing, but lately I am having trouble resisting that big shiny surface on our bathroom door. I stop right before I get into the shower, lift my breasts, turn, trying to imagine what I will look…

Trying for thankful

Being thankful is not really in my genes. Growing up in Budapest we did not celebrate Thanksgiving — obviously — and even after living the U.S. for years and years I never really got into it. It seems like a random holiday for an outsider and more than that: it is such an American thing…

Farewell to Boobies — Part I

I know it’s not entirely true, but I feel like the hardest part is done: yesterday I went to see a plastic surgeon to talk about breast reduction surgery. I know that the surgery itself will be harder physically, but it took me years to work up the mental and emotional courage to make and…

What remains

A couple of weeks ago I came across a blog post where a soon-to-be first-time mother was worried about whether she was going to lose herself — her true self — once she became a mother. I can’t find the blog post anymore, but I remember that my initial reaction was to brush off the…